Take me as I am.

Dear Diary,
Nobody teaches me how to live this life but experience. Every road and life episode that I went through has taught me what is real and what is meant only just for a dream. I laughed when life showed me foolishness, I cried when reality hit me so bad, I fell one two many times but I got up on my own two feet and keep on walking. That is how I got my lesson in life.
Coming from a broken background made me appeared broken. I lived my life in camouflage just to survive people’s judgment and perception. But one thing I know that life is isn’t just about fulfilling expectation of others. How could you possibly satisfy other’s if you are one hollow soul. But only God knows, I do try to seal every crack in me so that I appear as a sensible person enough as to stand side by side with others.
I understand every mistake has its correction, but some mistake are meant to stay as a mistake, too, so that it can tells other people “so, this is the face of mistake, this is how mistake looks like”. That is why heaven & hell was created for. 

“Excellence” comes in a different shape and form of how others defines it or catch it in a glimpse, it didn’t lies solely on how you dress, how you talk, how you move or how you color your hair. As an ordinary person, I don’t feel the need to please everybody so that I am accepted. God knows, I do have many flaws and I am not afraid to show it, I made mistake so that I can learn from it, I want to live my life as wild and free as I can be because it content me.
Don’t love me too fast because you might hate me, and don’t hate me too soon because I might be the only one who would never judge you in whatever you do.
Don’t tell me what to do, because I don’t want to break your heart if I unable to follow. But you should know that I do the untold with all my heart till I left you with no question.
Don’t put any expectation onto me because it’s too difficult for someone like me to reach it with nothingness in me and I don’t want to put you on shame because I unable to make you proud. If you feel like I am such an embarrassment, just erase me like a coffee stain on your sleeve. I can understand.
..and don’t compare me with something fine because I am still far from being good.
Take me as I am. Please.


“Just like the butterfly, I too, will awaken in my own time”

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Love Letter.

Yea, basically I received that amount of love letters, everyday, in Farmville. Get a life.

The truth is, I never had one. Although my ex boyfriend was very romantic enough, but he never wrote me any. But he did sent me tonnes of sweet, cute short text messages everyday, without failed. Maybe if I compile all of his for the past 4.5 years, it could turn into a love letter. But I couldn’t bring myself to retrieve all his texts inside my phone inbox. I will definitely cry.

 

I guess love letter best written when you are in a long distance relationship. When you are missing someone too long, plus the unbearable horny feeling of not getting it, makes your brain tends to get creative, especially for MALE. And it is no surprise that the best, most famous love letters wrote by a male. Anyway, too bad that we are living in 21st century, where, there is always skype and webcam, makes everything become very easy and ‘quickie’. Heh. So for those who still getting a love letter from your lover, I very envy you.

 

I came across this site, where all the epic written love letters were compiled. I fell in love instantly and it made me (almost) drop my tears just by reading it. That’s what words of love can do. Words of love can soothes your wry feelings, erase your doubt, strengthen your fidelity and so much more if you could notice. Too bad, male nowadays refused to go back to the simple eighteenth century to please their lady and they choose to deal with 1001 questions & get seriously investigated by their partner until their ears sore, or worst, bleed. Foolish. I didn’t say that these men (who wrote these epic love letter) were very loyal & faithful lovers though, they were already too horny at the moment they writing it. Maybe they went straight to some brothel house right after they finished writing these. They are MALE situated very far from their woman’s sight for God sake. But well, this is one of a very brilliant manly man way of getting out from being questioned & investigated on their move, remember? Hello? Geddit?

 

Here are some of my favorite;

 

“I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil.

Sweet incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart!

Yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire?

Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire.”

by: Napoleon Bonaparte

 

“My angel, my all, my very self

We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life -

If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these.

My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all –Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours.

Ah, wherever I am, there you are also –

Much as you love me - I love you more –

Oh God - so near! so far!

Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?

my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us -

I can live only wholly with you or not at all –

No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -

Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.

Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together -

Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell.

Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours

Your faithful Ludwig”

by: Ludwig von Beethoven

“My adorable and adored

I have been asking myself every moment if such happiness is not a dream.

It seems to me that what I feel is not of earth. I cannot yet comprehend this cloudless heaven.

My whole soul is yours.

My Adele, why is there no word for this but joy? Is it because there is no power in human speech to express such happiness?sometimes I tremble lest I should suddenly awaken from this dream divine.

Oh, now you are mine! At last you are mine! Soon -- in a few months, perhaps, my angel will sleep in my arms, will awaken in my arms, will live there.

All your thoughts at all moments, all your looks will be for me; all my thoughts, all my moments, all my looks, will be for you!

Adieu, my angel, my beloved Adele! Adieu!

Still I am far from you, but I can dream of you.

Soon perhaps you will be at my side.

Adieu; pardon the delirium of your husband who embraces you, and who adores you, both for this life and another.”

by: Victor Hugo

“In that word, beautiful in all languages, but most so in yours--Amor mio--is comprised my existence here and hereafter.

I feel I exist here, and I feel I shall exist hereafter,--to what purpose you will decide; my destiny rests with you,

But I more than love you, and cannot cease to love you.

Think of me, sometimes, when the Alps and ocean divide us,--but they never will, unless you wish it.”

by: George Gordon Lord Byron

“I can't help loving you more than is good for me; I shall feel all the happier when I see you again.

I am always conscious of my nearness to you, your presence never leaves me.

Adieu, you whom I love a thousand times.”

by: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

After reading this, you can ask your self – have YOU ever been in love this deep?

I did. and I deeply missing it now.

….but for today, I put this song on replay.

 

…and this song goes out to all depression slug who currently reading this.

 

Happy Heart Day, love.

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Life’s a Party.

“Someone said life is a party. You join in after it’s started and leave before it’s finished”

But it work backward when it comes to office. I always reached after everybody’s started and leave 2nd last...eh, apa pulak.. it was exactly what it is!!! arggh. It applies to my working life very damn well. I know it sounds very bad, but once I started get my hands on the computer, emails & papers, I don’t even have time for a loo. Fully occupied & stressed. That’s how I stay in shape. The result will be tripled if you sit in Finance department. Guaranteed.

 

Forget about work. it will surely end the day we die. Was at my girlfriend’s birthday(s) within a week and I feel like I am a partyholic. Dang, how they did every weekends and ladies night? Don’t ask me. I can’t and I won’t. Ah, I think I’m too old. Anyway, here I am, just the right time to let my hair down.

 

The theme was black & white with little bit of red, or black or white plus red, or black, blue and white and birthday girl got to wear a tad of red.. arggh, I can’t figure it out though because one of us turned up with dark blue.

Surprisingly I looks good in white. Heh. I think everybody’s looks good in white. I swear big time in September last year that I will never came to this place again – the sound system’s suck, the crowd is lame, all they played was rock, rock, rock. There was no sound of Jamie Foxx or Usher here. But for a friend, I willing to make it happen even if it’s a dump site.

What I tell you? It was rock, rock, rock :( But I was enjoying taking pictures though :)

It’s so colorful!

..and she got surprise stage glam blowout candles for the night~! Glam babe, glam! Haha.

..and urgghh.. I have to wake up early for work next Monday morning! This is very unusual for me, I definitely turned down any party invitation on Sunday night. But for a friend, everything is possible!

 

Next 3 days, we were at BBC (Borneo Barok Club) for another birthday celebration.

I never been here before, but it is a cozy, pretty club. Vast car park area at RM7.00 per entry (yea, that’s all I care) It has big chandelier hanging above the dance floor, walls were adorned with black curtains and bamboo. It’s not any better than Sultan @ Mandarin Oriental, but the posh concept is there. You able to sit down & chat, not too noisy before the live band performs, it just, since it was held on the CNY eve, the club management acting like Beruk a bit lah. It made one or two guests left before they manage to enter the club! So exclusive is it…

They played a couple of R&B, so, they got my attention.

Hotties with cupcakes. My friend was so bad. She told me she bought only 8 cupcakes just for us. Lucky she didn’t put the sign like “this cupcakes only for 6 of us. The rest of you eat that big square chocolate cake. TQ” Memang tak ikhlas sungguh. But she did bought it extra like 8. yea. It is obvious the theme was red & black, or red and black with a little bit of white and jeans.. uh, anything lo.

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance”

As quoted at the beginning of the post, I did left early, before the party ended. My eyes hurts so bad, because I really can’t take the smoke inside. I really don’t know when the clubs in KL will implement free smoking zone just like Singapore and the rest of the other country. I guess club really bad for health in Malaysia, or at least, for me, now :( in other words, I can consider to quit it already!

 

This boring post can end now. Really boring till I wanna shove my head into toilet bowl or something. I need sun, ocean breeze and my banana smootie. I need vacation.

….and oh,

Happy BELATED Chinese New Year~!!! hahahahha. That is part of my collection for rabbit year. Yeap, I got the cutest ang bao packets in town!!! You have meh??????

 

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Friends, Millionaires and lousy weekends.

It’s official. Im addicted to Zuma Blitz in Facebook. I stayed up all night just to play Zuma. I didn’t do my laundry this weekend because of Zuma. I forgot to read text messages in my mobile (not to mention about replying them) because of Zuma. I go shower & eat my food just because my Zuma life is 0 and need to wait for 7.3 minutes for each heart/life to regen. Now I got 8 hearts, so I have almost 1 hour free time. So I blog. It’s 6.03am in the morning & waiting for my Zuma’s life full regen. I hate when people overtake my scores. I can’t sleep if I’m not in the top 3. I think Im going crazy. I need help.

 

I was at friend’s Salon & Beauty Spa opening last Saturday. Lucky I still don’t know Zuma Blitz that time. If not, I don’t think I able to make it to that spa shop. It was a small opening, only close friends & potential business partners were invited. But I tell you, the food was good. It was prepared by my friend’s maid. I wish to have her maid. Because soon Im going to die due to malnutrition. I ate fast food almost everyday, lately.

 

Since I contribute nothing, so I sacrifice myself to give a hand in preparing the food. It was not a very easy decision to make since I was wearing my favorite Zara’s white top. One tiny spit of that fried mee sauce, the shirt’s gone.

The spa is on rent to my friend, with its existing furniture & fixtures. It was a very cozy unisex beauty spa, combined with a hair salon and they using BioPearl for skin care & Tanamera ranges for body spa.

Looks better with me in it.

Sauna, Milk bath & massage area. This service only offered to FEMALE only ya. Don’t be too excited to come here when your wife/gf out of town.

Facial area

Some of the skin care products.

Salon Pack.

Beautician at work.

I didn’t get any chance to try their facial treatment yet, but Im looking forward to try their body care treatment.

Currently they are having promotions for early birds & 1st time customer;

 

B Frenzz beauty & Spa, No 17, Jalan wangsa 11, Taman Wangsa Ukay, Bukit Antarabangsa, 68000 Ampang Selangor. Confirm can become friends after that. haha.

You guys can try the leg waxing for fun though. Haha. All by appointment. Kindly call:

Nik : 013 – 3555897 or Nur 013 – 3811868

and they are hot. (Wtf, I sound like a pimp mom).

 

So, I was at this prestigious private event run by this magazine for millionaires - celebrating millionaires in Malaysia at Subang Terminal 3, Skypark, this week. It’s not like I was invited, but I was paid to be one of the front liners during the registration. You see, it is normal for every event to have registration book, access pass and all, unless it was held at your kitchen mansion. You have to get pass the security check point for God sake. It was held at airport terminal, you need the access pass regardless who you are – human, alien, leprechaun, R2D2, Chewbacca or millionaires. So here are few scenarios that I encountered that night;

Scenario 1: A lady came with sweet smile with her partner. So I greeted her & asked her to jot down her name or drop her name card before I could handed out the access pass. She had to. I have to make sure her name is in the guest’s list. She told me she got the invitation. I know, but I just followed the procedure. So she said something with sarcastic looks, like do my partner need to register too? I smiled & said yes. But her partner said something funny to this lady, like “do I have to? Im just your toy boy you know, no one should know me” and the lady quickly replied “ah, you are my toy boy with ferrari”

Scenario 2: An Indian man came with loud thump towards my registration counter with his full suit complete with bootlace tie around his neck. What is missing was his cowbow hat. If not he can go for Indiana Jones role casting. He wasn’t looking at me at all. His eyes & nose all up to the ceiling. I was like.. what’s wrong with this guy? So I asked him to do the same thing, which is jot down his name or drop his name card. He was reluctant and give me the look like “Do you know who I am?”. I just smiled and slightly pushed the registration book closer to him. I can see he got a bit annoyed with me and took the pen and wrote his name in fucking bigass capital font size. Like size of 20 or something (normal font usually 10-12 mah). It looks like this>>> DATUK MR. ARROGANT I GOT THE MONEY (example okay? I can’t put his real name, later got sue by him lo) So, half page gone. I have to flip to the next page for other guests. Damn.

Scenario 3: Another man came. He was even funnier. He mentioned his name & his highly title so loud the moment he reached my counter like I am deaf or will quickly handed the necessary just by listening to his name. I don’t know you. and if I know you, still, you have to jot down your name or drop your name card so that you can pass through the security point. This little lady is a gate keeper. You can say “hey, my expensive magazine subscriber fee pay your salary today”, still, this is what I was paid for – to take down your name. Sheesh.

Scenario 4: So, I proceed to the private lounge & show room area where expensive cars, private jets & choppers were, after I finished with the registration. My task this time is to follow the professional photographer, to choose good, glamorous, rich looking guests with their champagne glass to be featured into the magazine “lifestyle” section. And of course I need the name of everyone who’s in the picture. And again, urgghh.. I have to encounter the same problem, they were looking at me like expecting me to recognize and know who they are by heart. err.. hello? I don’t know you. Unless you are Jay-Z or Pharrell William, or Sir Richard Branson or David Beckhams or worst - Lady Gaga.

I mean.. seriously, why can’t they differentiate people who just doing their work or people who supposed to worship them? What’s with the attitude? I mean you can brag & boast all the way with what you got with your own crowd, but with me? – A girl who sit at registration counter? Aw, come on. Don’t tell me taht money & title made them into God’s wannabe & jerks le?

Phantom Drophead Coupe.

Up close with Ghost – tagged at RM2.8mil. and Jay-z don't give a damn about this since he got his Bugatti Veyron Grand Sport from his wife, Beyonce, for his birthday.

and as for me, I don’t need the money or title to be arrogant, self-centered bitch. I just born with it. It’s in my DNA.

Capiche?

"Wealth is of the heart and mind, not the pocket." ~ Billionaire Boys Club

Oh, by the way, this is my latest Zuma scores. and Im super happy.

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Good day.

My right eye kept on twitching for the past few days and I wonder who am I going to see this time. Some Malay believes that you are going to meet someone who will bring smile & laughter if it is the right side of your eye twitched. And you will cry and sad if it is the left side. When I was about to call it a day, I got a text message from my girlfriend, Nina, telling me…

 

Our Harry is in town!!!!!

**forgive me for the quality of the picture. It wasn’t my camera. Boo!

I was talking about Harry a week before new year eve to someone and had to listen to Nina bitching about him for couple of months, and here he is! He just got back from his … trip of the year and kind enough to make KL city as his last stop to meet us. I always knew, Harry missed us! (Yea, left our other souvenirs in Paris, ate our chocolate on his way to KL…)  I couldn’t stop giggling with happiness to see us 3 sitting at 1 table, dine & wine (earl grey as for me), laughing & bitching to each other like we were used to. I almost believed that there will be no 3 of us anymore, when Nina aired so many heartbreaking assumptions &  dismay when Harry suddenly went disappeared on her on us. Poor Harry, he came to know that Nina removed him from her yahoo & msn messenger chat for quite longtime ago after he handed out gifts he bought for us from his hometown, Scotland! So, I was there & told Harry how angry Nina was, and told Nina how poor thing Harry is. So they kiss & make up. Yays!

 

To be franked, I never trusted and felt comfortable with any white guy friends before as I felt with Harry. I can be silly myself and go all childish with him without being misunderstood. I think he is one of only few white gentlemen left on this planet earth who knows how to read women from every part of the world. Is he a player? YES, 1st class. But he knows when and with who he can play with. Not like some other white guy I happened to know through someone –asking whether the lady’s private part is smooth and hairless as her thigh on his 2nd meeting. That is not sexy. That’s sound very slutty slut cheap gigolo – manwhore, father of STDs to me.

 

I maybe appeared like very outgoing type (or some of Malay guys keep referring me as ‘wild’ – wak lu!) Actually, I have quite typical closed mind set when it comes to white guy. I always think that white guy always after 1 thing and never respected Asian girls but only a fun toy. I don’t know where went wrong. Maybe because some Asian girls from some part of Asia map portrayed themselves as a cheap gold digger or never got enough with Asian guy dick’s size. Im so lazy to elaborate more on that with my most honest point of view, but it’s enough for me to say – whoever believed in that, is an asshole. Wait! He is a total asshole indeed -  since he only able to hook up with that type of Asian girls!

 

On a totally different subject - I finally watched the most sappy romantic movie of the year! (and I was 4 years late!) Man, it made me cried until the end! The story touches my heart without a huge sinking ship, iceberg and humans floating in that cold Atlantic ocean.

I asked Harry about Scottish men : are they all funny and passionate and romantic? (Or was it because of Gerard Butler?)

He asked me to put my hand down on the table while I busy poking the ice cream. He took my hand & kissed it, and Nina went “that’s Scottish… when they are not drunk” . Hah!

 

“”I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends.

P.S. I will always love you”” ~ Gerry Kennedy, P.S: I love You.

 

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Leaving.

Heart, just cry, cry as much as you want tonight.. for tomorrow, everything will be better. Shut down all my senses, forget about all possibilities. I know who I am, made from thin porcelain, not chipped when I crack but shattered. Isolate my body, seal my heart, hide my face and just let only wind to touch me. I still have little love locked inside me, for that I still can smile when I see the morning sun, for that I feel sappy when it rains, for that I still can laugh to sweet nothings…so please don’t take it away from me… Neither of myself & I want to share what’s left inside nor to ask for more.


Im shutting myself down, back to my mystery like no one has ever know my existence, like no one can ever hurt me anymore. Take me as a script with missing pages, take me as a book with incomplete chapters. A part of me is meant to be as untold story.


Heart, keep on crying… for someday it will wash away the pain and those little memories.

 

and I know, I will heal, someday.

New Year.

Yep. I think this is a must post for every blog? Im the 24578568th blogger who come up with this title and 02 days late.


So hey, happy new year.

Nothing fancy with the celebration. But I know my dress is. I was like a walking disco ball but I feel gorgeous in it. To add a glam, a friend of mine asked me to pose with this super long cigarette holders which made from glow stick protector. Sheesh. People just love to see me in some character. I can be a filthy whore in a click of shot sometimes. No, I don’t smoke. Smoking is a gross habit & can kill. I helped someone to buy a pack of Marlboro last night. And it costs a freaking RM10 per pack! Wtf.. you can have a pair of new shoes at the end of EVERY month and an ugly lung cancer at the end of 10 years if you smokes 1 pack per day. Good Luck.



So, this is my disco ball glam dress I wore for NY celebration. This is the dress from Forever 21 that cheered me up when I was defeated by TOPSHOP cut out dress during my year end sales dilemma. It’s a pink colored sequins, but I don’t know somehow, it turned purple in this picture. Ah, just forget about it, What I know is that, I feel fab in it.


No, I don’t have new year resolution. I only have 1 resolution which Im still struggling to fulfill since forever – quit shopping. It has nothing to do with new year at all. Im trying to cure myself from it, everyday. In fact, i just broke my bank account went shopping on 1st January, I bought a rugged denim jacket from ZARA & long gorgeous sequined black cardigan from MNG. I don't know what I want to be this year.. a rock star or a diva. But I know I will come up with wardrobe clearance someday for I have too many dresses which only wore once or twice.


No where to go, I filled up 03 days weekends just curled in bed. I don’t know what’s the reason I feel so sad leaving 2010 behind.. maybe because I feel another year older.. or maybe because I was expecting something impossible happen to me on that countdown night.. I checked and triple checked my mobile phone, hoping that my ex send me a new year wishes like he used to for the past 4 years… Realized that Im leaving year 2010, where our love was apart of it, made me weep.

It’s the worst feeling of welcoming new year in my entire life. But I have to go through with it somehow. I don’t know what are my wishes for 2011. In fact, I don’t have any. Or maybe 1 – to finally be able to crossover this loneliness & heartbreak.


Happy new year to everyone. Happy Another new year to me.

 

“Smile, even if it's a sad smile, because sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile.”

 

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